Our Demanding Desires
- Jeremy Bledsoe
- May 27
- 4 min read
Have you ever walked away from a conflict with someone and wondered why you did or said what you did? Have you ever questioned why you are anxious or angry over a situation in life? If you haven’t ever paused to ask yourself these questions, you probably should.
The Root of Conflicts
Several years ago, I was challenged to ask myself these same questions during my time in a seminary class taught by Dr. Robert D. Jones. In this class, Dr. Jones used James chapter 4 to teach that our conflicts with others are often rooted in our own demanding desires for things in life. In his letter to the scattered church, James writes:
“What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel…” (James 4:1-2a)
In the example James gives, there were people in the church who were fighting with one another over the things in life they wanted but didn’t have. The things they desired may not have been sinful, but they desired them in a sinful way - they demanded them. Evidence that their desires had become demanding desires or idolatrous desires was the fact that they became jealous and quarrelsome with others when they did not obtain the object of their desire. In other words, they would sin in response to not obtaining the object of their desire.
After pondering this truth, I was forced to inspect my own heart regarding the things that often led me to anger and conflict. It soon revealed that comfort, rest, peace, and respect were the demanding desires of my heart. This was evident in how I responded to my family after a long day at work, in demanding that I should be able to unwind for an hour without having to deal with anyone else’s wants or problems. It was evident in how I responded to my children on a Saturday evening when I demanded that I should be able to take an uninterrupted nap. It was evident when I demanded that my children be obedient to me the first time I told them to do something.
It wasn’t that comfort, rest, peace, and respect were bad things for me to desire. The problem was that they became idols to me.
I demanded them, and when I didn’t obtain them I would either sin inwardly in my thoughts and emotions and/or outwardly in my words and actions.
Understanding this has been helpful for me as a Christ follower, husband, and father. Though I haven’t arrived to perfection, the Lord has used James 4 to help me walk in faith and repentance regarding these areas of my life. Now, when I observe myself getting angry or anxious about something, I ask myself, what is at the root of my emotions? What am I demanding? What would it look like to submit my desires to the lordship of Jesus Christ? What would it look like for me to be like the apostle Paul, content in all situations (Phil 4:4-13)?
Managing Demanding Desires
Dr. Jones introduced me to the Throne-Staircase Exercise, a helpful tool which can be found in his book, Pursuing Peace. This exercise helps to identify the demanding desires that often sit on the throne of our heart. An easy way to identify whether a desire has become a demanding desire is to ask yourself the following questions:
Will I sin to obtain my desire?
Will I sin in response to my desire being threatened?
Will I sin in response to my desire being taken away from me?
Does my desire consume my thoughts?
If you can answer “yes” to any of these questions, then there is evidence that your desire has become a demanding or idolatrous desire. Any time we are tempted to sin or we become angry, anxious, depressed, or quarrelsome over the circumstances in our lives, we should ask ourselves these questions.
Once we have identified these desires, we should confess and repent to the Lord for allowing our desires to become idols in our heart (Psalm 51), while submitting our desires to the authority of God through our submission to Scripture, while refocusing our minds on Him, which leads us to find our ultimate contentment in Him (Phil 4:4-13).
Practical Steps
When was the last time you inspected your own heart for the demanding desires that are competing to sit on the throne of your heart? How often do you pause to consider what is at the root of your anger, anxiety, depression, or quarrels? I would encourage you to ask yourself these questions often as a way to keep your desires rightly aligned and submitted to the Lord.
If you need help getting started, here is a helpful tool:
Jeremy Bledsoe serves both as the Executive Director and as a biblical counselor at East Tennessee Biblical Counseling. He has a B.A. in Psychology from Marshall University, a M.A. in Biblical Counseling from the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, and is a certified member of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors.
